Ana's Post-Partum journey
by DoubleG85
Summary: Ana finds herself depressed after the birth of their 2nd child Charlotte. Christian notices that Ana is not the same as before and offer support and love.
1. Chapter 1

Christian and I live a very blessed life. Every day I wake up and I can't believe that this is the life I'm leading. I never have the worry about money again. Christian has shown that he can be a loving husband and father to our two children. However, after I had Charlotte 6 months ago I started to become avoidant and depressed. I look at my body in the mirror and I barely know who I am. My stomach has a pooch and I have stretch marks. I feel as though Christian may be finding me less attractive than when we met 5 years ago. I want to eat better and exercise but I have not had the will power to do so. I feel I should do better especially since I have everything I need and more.

"Ana!" Christian called "Ana!"

"Here" I called back from the couch in the living room.

"Ana! Charlotte needs you, she's been crying for the past 25 mins didn't you hear it" He said little upset.

"Sorry!" I sighed as I put my book down and got off the couch. "Where's the nanny anyway!

"we only have her around part time. Remember? Your wishes" He replied

"Yeah Sorry!" I said feeling a bit guilty

I felt so lethargic as I climbed the spiral staircase of our large home. I entered the nursery and she was laying in the crib screeching. I walked over and I could clearly see that the diaper needed to be changed. That was most likely the reason that she woke up. I quickly changed the diaper and started to rock her back and forth in my arms. I still needed to finish my Manuscript and I desperately needed a nap. My arms started to ache as I continued to rock her back and forth. Plus, I had two manuscripts that I had to read before my meeting with the authors next week. Mrs. Jones must be here somewhere.

"Mrs. Jones" I called

"Yes! Mrs. Grey!" She said coming up the stairs.

"Can you take Charlotte? I just can't do this right now. I have others things to do"

"No Problem Mrs. Grey! I'll keep her occupied so that you can have some peace and quiet"

"Thank you!" I said

I went back downstairs to get the manuscript that I was reading. I see Christian coming up the stairs to greet me. I smile at him seductively. He looks at me with surprise.

"Where is Charlotte! I thought that you were going up to the nursey to spend time with her?"

He said confused.

"I can't Christian I'm too busy with my manuscript so I changed her diaper and gave her to Mrs. Jones" I explained.

"You know you have not been spending time much with the kids lately. They miss you" He said

"Later!" I said smiling "I promise"

"Is something wrong?" He asked with sincerity and love in his voice

"I just have a lot of work to do" I said with a sense of urgency

"Red Room after?" He asked with a spark of excitement

"Maybe!" I teased

How could I tell him that I have been feeling depressed since Charlotte was born. I was so embarrassed. I love Christian with all my heart but I have lost my desire to do what I used to love. My libido has plummeted since Charlotte's birth and I know that has been hard on Christian. Especially since we had kinky sex for most of my pregnancy with Teddy. I cleared my head

I didn't finish the manuscript till 3pm, and I was exhausted. I curled up on the couch for a quick nap, leaving the manuscript on the coffee table.

"Ana! Ana!" Christ said gently rubbing my shoulder trying to wake me.

"Yes!" I said

"It's dinner time! Mrs. Jones is making lasagna, one of your favorites" He said helping me off the couch.

We went to the dining room to have dinner, Teddy and Charlotte were already at the table waiting. I took a seat beside Christian.

"I think that you should cut your hours at SIP down. The kids need you at home" Christian stated

"I love my job Christian! I don't want to give it up" I explained

"You have a much more important job at home here. There is plenty of money you know that" Christian said.

"I will try to make more of an effort at home, I'm sorry" I said feeling a little guilty and embarrassed.

"I know how easy it is for you to pass the kids off the Mrs. Jones or Andrea but they have been asking for their mother" He said clearly upset "I have made you an appointment with Dr. Archer. I'm no expert on this subject but maybe it would be helpful to talk to somebody"

He got up from the table and leaned in for a hug. I felt the warmth of his strong embrace surround me. I felt my eyes well up with tears, this was not the response that I was expecting, I had no idea how much my depression had affected my family.

"Thank you Christian" I said


	2. Chapter 2

I saw Dr. Archer and she chatted with me about the "baby blues" then prescribed some anti-depressants. This is very common but how long will this last. I'm not being a great wife or mother. I know that I can do better, I want to do better.

"MOM!" cried Teddy as I walked in the door.

Christian came around the corner, just as I was giving Teddy I big hug.

"feeling more at ease?" he asked with hope in his voice

"We talked and then she gave me a prescription. They take a while to take affect though" I said skeptically

"How long?" he asked

"3 weeks and I have another appointment Monday at 9am" I said

"so we are making progress" He said with excitement. "you know what I think that you need"

"I have a good idea!" I said with a laugh

"you need a hobby" he said enthusiastically

"I'm not really much for organized activities Christian, you know that" I said

Christian was trying so hard to bring my out of my slump, unfortunately it wasn't working. I love him but sometimes a girl just needs to speak to her best friend. I pulled out my cell phone and started to dial Kate as I walked up the stairs towards our bedroom.

"Hey girl! It's been a long time. How are the kids doing?" Kate asked

"Good! Raising kids is tough but I'm doing it" I said

"You sound down, is everything with Christian ok!" She asked with concern.

"Yeah! He's great! I just haven't been feeling like doing anything lately is all. I'm been feeling a bit out of sorts" I said trying to explain

"Come out with me! I'm going to a Yoga class and some exercise is just what you need" She said with exuberance

"I don't know Kate! I don't know if that's really my thing" I said

"I'm coming over at 5pm and I'm not taking no for an answer" She said and hung up the phone.

I don't think that I really have anything that's appropriate for a Yoga class. I looked through my closet and could not find any Yoga clothes that fit my new mommy body. It was only 3pm I could quickly go to the store and pick up something and still make it back for Kate to pick me up. I didn't want to look like a fool. I came back downstairs to see Christian at his computer in the study.

"You going out?" he asked surprised.

"Kate is coming to get me for a Yoga class and I just want to go get something to wear and I'm taking the sports car" I said with a smirk

"Slow Down this time I don't want any more tickets" He said coming over for a kiss

"I'll try!" I said hallway out the door

One thing that I can surely say is 'I love to Drive', always makes me feel good. I hoped into the front seat and revved the engine. I turned on the tunes and just drove. I drove to the closest Lulu lemon store on my GPS then parked the car. As I walked in I kept thinking is what size will I fit in now that I have 25 extra pounds around the middle. I grabbed 4 yoga pants and 3 tank tops in Medium and large sizes, then went to the change room.

"Hi! May I help you?" Asked the sales lady

"I just want to try these on" I said showing her the clothes that I picked.

"Right here!" She said pointing "And if you need anything I will be right here"

I went in and tried on the first pair of pants in medium and found them to be too tight. Maybe a large I thought. I tried the pants and a large tank top and they fit. Thank goodness they stretch. Maybe Yoga is what I need. I paid for the items and drove home. I made it home by 430 pm. Just in time, and Kate won't have to know that I needed to go to the store for a larger

size.

Ring! Ring! I came bounding down the stairs as Kate came in the front door.

"I missed you!" She said giving me a big hug "now let's go sweat like crazy"

"Ok!" I said feeling slightly excited by Kate's enthusiasm

We hoped in the car and off we went to Yoga class. I chatted about the kids and Christian with Kate and before I knew it we had arrived at the Yoga studio. When we went up to the front of the building the first thing that I noticed was that it was very small, which put me at ease. Kate signed up both in at the front desk, the girl at the Kiosk seemed to know Kate well by how they were chatting and giggling.

"Studio B" The young girl said pointing to a small room at the end of the hallway

"Don't be intimidated Ana!" Kate said as we opened the door to Studio B. As soon as I walked in I knew exactly why she said that. There were 8 girls waiting for the class to begin. The all looked like they did this all the time. They were slim and muscular. I instantly wanted to hide in a corner and disappear. Kate must have seen the look on my face.

"Ana! These girls are here 5 days a week and that one over there is the instructor. Do not compare yourself. Plus, you just had a baby!" She said offering reassurance

"I had Charlotte 6 months ago though" I said

She passed me a Yoga mat and I went to the back of the class hoping to escape the eyes of the other young, fit yoga masters. The instructor noticing a new face came over to greet me!

"Welcome to Yoga! Are you new here?" she asked being friendly.

"Yeah! A New Year's resolution of sorts" I replied trying to make light conversation

"Enjoy!" she smiled and walked to the front of the class to begin


	3. Chapter 3

I found the class incredibly hard, I knew I was out of shape but how out of shape I surprised even me. I found the stretches uncomfortable and painful and I felt weak. It was hard for me to even hold myself in a downward dog position without my arms shaking. I was happy with my decision to be at the back of the class because I felt that there were less people looking at me. The studio must be used for other types of dance as well because there were mirrors everywhere, reminding me of how fat and out of shape I had become after having two kids. Kate seemed to keep up quite well. She wasn't a yoga master but she was certainly getting the moves better than I was. The class dragged on and i continued to struggle with each movement. When it ended, Kate and I quickly exited the class. We didn't stay to mingle, i think that Kate knew that i was not feeling comfortable in this atmosphere.

"So?" she asked partially knowing the answer "How do you like it?"

"It's very intimidating" I replied

"You can't expect to be a master in the first class" She said jokingly

"No I don't expect that I just feel very self-conscious" I said avoiding eye contact

"All the more reason to come to another class" Kate said

"I don't know" I said getting into the car "Maybe I could just watch some fitness video's or something"

"You need to get out of the house, that's the real reason I dragged you out here" Kate said getting into the driver's seat "Coming to class holds you accountable. I know that you won't go home and do fitness video's"

"OK! OK!" I said giving up "I hate feeling like a blimp every time I go though"

"First off! You are not a blimp at all. Secondly, you just had a baby. Be gentle on yourself. Charlotte is not even a year old" Kate said trying to make me feel better.

"Kate!" I said looking her straight in the eye "I have all the money in the world, I should be able to look like a celebrity. I don't even have an excuse anymore"

"Your depressed Ana!" She said empathetically "We can all see it. Depression is a debilitating illness. I want to help you through it and so does Christian. The first step is to get on medication and the next step is to get off that couch"

Kate's words rung through my ears. I didn't realize i had such an impact on everyone around me. I knew she was right, it was still hard to take though. She stopped the car in my driveway, we both got out and headed to the front door. I opened the door, Kate and I went to the kitchen to continue our conversation. This was the first time that I had felt any genuine joy since Charlotte was born. Maybe, this was the next step to battling my depression. All i knew is that i have to get myself out of this slump. I spent most of my day eating or sleeping after work. I didn't have a connection to Charlotte at all, which only created a deep sense of guilt inside me. The yoga class for some reason made me feel energized, self-conscious but energized. Kate started to go on about how she has felt more toned and less tired since going to Yoga. All i could think was i wonder if this could help me.

"They have some other classes that are dance related but I have not tried them yet, just a thought though" Kate said taking a sip from her water bottle. "Right now I'm only going twice a week"

"Were you as clumsy and heavy as me when you started though?" I asked

"No!" She hesitated "I haven't had kids yet though, it makes a big difference"

"It's hard to start, when you feel like the odd man out" I said defending my negativity

"That is exactly why i am taking you with me when I go" She said adamantly "Plus, I have not seen you this bright in so long, you need this"

"Fine!" I said "I'll go if you make the effort to come get me. I am just saying that I don't think I would go on my own"

"Hi Christian!" Kate greeted as Christian walked in to the kitchen behind me

"Did Ana blow everyone's mind with her talent and beauty or are they too blind to see it?" He asked smiling at me

"Pretty close! Cause she blew my mind" Kate joked "I'm going to go Ana, I have a date with my amazing husband and I don't want to be late"

"Bye Kate!" I called "see you later"

"I'll be here, Tuesday at 7 pm" Kate said as she walked to the front door "For yoga, Don't forget"

"You're going again?" Asked Christian surprised

"I said that if she made the drive over that I would definitely join her" I admitted  
"Good" he said looking intensely into my eyes "this is exactly what you need"

Despite the excitement of going out with Kate I still had an obligation to finish reading the two manuscripts for work. I settled into a comfortable position on the couch and escaped into the words. The manuscript was long but interesting and before i knew it, i was reading late into the night. Christian had to wake me up from the couch to go to bed around midnight. The nanny had already put the kids to bed, I was the last one to make it to my room. Both Christian and I were too tired for the Red Room. I guess i understand why he felt like marriage was the end of sex.

* * *

I woke up early to go to work, Christian had already left. He likes to get an early start to his day. I dressed in black slacks and a white, loose fitting blouse. I was glad that I had read through both manuscripts as I was prepared for the questions that were being asked at the publishing meeting. I really liked this author and i enjoyed advocating for literature that i felt was good. I felt confident at work, as I knew that I was good at my job and I loved what I did. The problem was when I got home and had to deal with myself and the kids, I just wasn't happy. At work I could fake it and bury myself in manuscripts and books but at home I felt no desire to play or care for the kids. How awful of a mother I must be. I continuously pushed things off on to Christian or the hired help. I was constantly praying for a mental break from my anguish. I hope that Yoga is my saving grace.

Kate, true to her word arrive to take me to the yoga class on Wednesday. Instead of dreading it I found myself looking forward to spending time with Kate.

"You ready!" Kate asked waiting at the front door.

"I have my bag packed" I said pointing to my yoga bag and water bottle.

"Have you done any exercise at home?" She asked skeptically

"No!" I admitted

"That's why we are going to class, Ana. Going to class keeps us accountable" She said

They were so friendly we both walked in. It felt as though I was walking into a room with old friends as everyone welcomed me into the class. Kate smiled as she noticed me enjoying myself.

"What other kinds of class do they offer here" I asked with curiosity as we walked down the hall to Studio B

"Pole dancing" She giggled


	4. Chapter 4

"isn't that for strippers" I remarked

"Not anymore, it's one of the best workouts you can get" She said with an excited giggle

"Have you tried it?" I asked curiously

"No I haven't, I'm kind of nervous. Would you go with me?" She asked with a hopeful stare

"Ok. Only because I love you" I said

I had said that words before I had even though it through. I don't want to do pole dancing. I'm fat, how embarrassing. I am a woman of my word though. It's only one class, how bad could it be.

"we might fail miserably but we will fail together" Kate laughed

"When is the class, beginner class" I said

"Friday at 6pm, It's an Intro to pole" She read off the calendar hanging in the lobby

"Last class, Kate. I don't know if my body is up to this level of fitness" I said sternly.

Kate and I left the studio after signing up for the Intro to pole class. We stopped at a small sandwich shop for an after workout meal. She dropped me off at home around 730 pm. Christian was overwhelmingly supportive of my yoga. I told him about the Pole class. At first, I thought that he would forbid it but instead he asked me to let him know how it was when I got home. Maybe he felt that if liked pole dancing it could spice up our sex life bring back my libido. Christian and I put Charlotte and Teddy to bed then decided to watch a movie till my eyes started to get heavy. Christian have me a gentle nudge and we both walked to bed.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of the alarm on my phone going off. As soon as i tried to get out of bed, my legs, shoulders and arms all ached. Maybe i had over done it in my class yesterday. I was not used to getting any exercise at all, let alone a 1 hour yoga class. My body was clearly trying to adjust to the new fitness regimen. I did some stretching as i walked to the bathroom. I stepped on the scale, down 3 pounds. Wow! maybe it was my diet or maybe the exercise but i was already starting to see a difference on the scale. Maybe i should continue with yoga and give this pole dancing try. Everyone keeps raving about how much of a workout it is. I got dressed, took my meds and headed out the door. I felt good. I decided to embrace it, rarely did i have day where i felt like smiling but today i had an extra jump in my step.

"Good Morning Ana!" Hannah said as i walked in

"Good morning Hannah" I replied with a smile

"Did something happen, you seem different?" She said noticing my change in affect.

"I went to yoga last night and i lost 3 pounds" I said proudly.

"Wow!, keep it up, you look good" She commented

"I think i might" I said

"Just to remind you Ana. You have a meeting in 30 minutes. Want a coffee?" Hannah asked

"Only if you are getting one for yourself, but if you are i will take 1 sugar instead of 2. I'm trying to reduce my sugar" I said smiling

"Sure thing" Hannah said.

I disappeared into my office preparing for my first meeting. I looked down at my phone, Christian asking me how my day was and saying that he missed me. 'I miss you too' i texted back. He always had a special way of brightening my day. I smiled and laughed as i texted him. 'how about some Red Room action' i texted. 'Anything for you mrs. Grey' he texted back. I put my phone down as i Hannah opened my office door for a middle-aged gentleman with glasses in a suit.

"Your 0930 is here" She said and shut the door.

"Hi" I said jumping out of my seat and placing my phone aside "you must be Larry"

"I am" He said shaking my hand "You must be Mrs. Grey fiction-editor"

"That's me" i said

"did you get my manuscript?" He asked getting down to the point

"Yes and i just finished reading it last night" I said "I have a few revisions that i would like you to look at, I marked them in red"

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked

"I did,actually" i said pulling out the marked manuscript

"If you make these changes we would be happy to publish this" I stated "If you have any questions please don't hesitate to call me"

I pulled out a business card from the first draw of my desk and handed it to Larry.

"Thank you" Larry said looking at my card

"Get back to meet next thursday." I said "You can make another appointment with hannah before you leave"

After Larry left, i went to my desk to see Christian had texted me any additional messages. 'I can't wait to come home and see you' Christian texted. In that moment my heart felt filled.


	5. Chapter 5

My libido had been so low for the past few months. Hearing Christian tell me how much he wanted me made me want to be on my hands and knees begging for his next command. He has been so supportive since Charlotte was born. He never once looked down on me for not wanting to hold Charlotte or have sex. My day at SIP took forever to finish. All i wanted was to go home and be with Christian. Having sex is something that both our bodies was craving. As soon as i came home, Christian was waiting for me on the couch.

"The kids are with Grace and I gave Mrs. Jones the evening off, It's just you and I" He said with lust in his eyes.

Without another word i took my shoes off and fell into Christian's embrace. I went in for a passionate kiss, he met my lips with ravenous need. He picked me up and carried me up the stairs to our bedroom and threw me on to the bed. Then walked to the door.

"I'll meet you in the red room in 10 minutes" He said

I stripped down to my lingere, and went to the nightstand to look for a hairtie. I walked into the red room, and got down on my hands and knees. I placed the hairtie in my hand with my hand level as though i was a waitress carrying a large platter out to a table. I knew that Christian wanted to braid my hair before we began. This was just part of his routine, i was all but willing to play along. I felt so self-conscious in my lingerie. Compared to Christian my body was full of flaws, between the stretch marks and extra weight around my abdomen and thighs. I wanted nothing to ruin our moment. I played along trying hard to hide my disdain. He walked in with perfect posture and poise. I felt his touch as he picked up the hairtie and braided my hair.

"Are you ready Mrs. Grey" He asked with stern control.

"Yes sir" I answered keeping my head level.

I heard him ruffle through the whips located on the back wall, then walk back over to me. The first whip felt gentle on my hand, the second stung a bit. throughout our years of marriage i noticed that my tolerance for pain had gone up quite a bit. I wasn't sure if it was from having children or from the BDSM activity that i have gotten so used to. The third whip stung a bit more but was not excessive by no means.

"How are you doing Mrs. Grey" Christian asked

"Good sir" I answered timidly.

"Good, do you know why you are being punished today?" He asked.

"For signing up for a pole dancing class" I said like a pupil who knew all the answers.

"Yes!" He sighed "Do you plan to do it again?"

"Maybe" I said trying hard not to giggle.

"Then you will be punished again if you do" Christian said with certainty.

"I know" I said "I will try to behave sir"

He whipped me a fourth , then a fifth, then a sixth time on the same hand. The sixth one hurt. He placed the whip on the floor then gently grabbed my hands to bring me to standing. He guided me over to a metal grate where he secured the padded handcuffs, using them to secure my hands.

"Are you ready Mrs. Grey" Christian said placing a blindfold over my eyes.

"I'm ready sir" I said with secret excitement.

Christian place the blindfold over my eyes. The blindfold always intensified my orgasms. Taking away one sense always heightened all the other ones. My whole body was craving his touch. he moved the whip gently over my bare nipple. I shivered as the whip made it's way down to my inner thighs before giving another sharp smack. My thighs jiggled with every sharp whip from Christian's instrument. I looked up checking and hoping that Christian had not noticed the cellulite in my legs.

"Don't look up Mrs. Grey" He said in his dominant voice giving my shoulder a sharp whip.

"Sorry sir!" I said quickly directing my gaze to the ground.

"You are forgiven, Mrs. Grey" Christian answered

"Are you going to enter me?" I asked with a hint of excitement.

"Is that what you want?" He asked

"Yes" I answered

"Do you want it hard or gentle?" He asked secretly knowing the answer

"I wanted to be fucked hard" I said slipping into an erotic tone.

Christian hoisted my body up against the metal grate, he felt for my vagina which was dripping wet with need. He slid himself inside me with ease. I left my head fall back hitting the metal grate. I moaned with every pleasurable thrust. His grunts let me know that he was feeling an incredible sense of release as he worked my lower half. Miraculously, Christian and I climaxed together. A flood of hormones came over us. I felt extremely tired. Christian untied my hands from the metal grate and guided me towards our bed, curling in next me to me snuggle.

"The kids will be back soon" Christian said with hopeful eyes "Charlotte misses you"

"I will make sure that i spend time with her this evening" I promised " I want to"

"She would love that" Christian said smiling and gently rubbing my belly.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day i felt so tired that i could barely get out of bed. I called in sick to SIP. My important meeting were done and i wasn't feeling like making an appearance today. I had been taking my medications regularly and i felt like it was working to some degree but i still felt empty as though something was missing.

"Ana" Christian said "You should be getting out of bed, i don't want you to be late for work"

"I'm not going today" I said pulling the silk sheets over my head.

"Again?" Christian commented as he got dressed "You called in sick twice last week"

" I know" I moaned "I'll go tomorrow"

"OK" He said sternly " I don't want this to be a habit, that's all"

"It won't" I answered with a slight whine. Christian leaned in for a kiss before rushing out of the house to go to the office.

I felt like i had been doing heavy labour all day. My body was absolutely exhausted. I had enough insight to know that sleeping in wasn't the answer but i decided to do it anyway against my better judgement. Mrs. Jones usually did the morning routine with the kids. I plopped my face back into the pilow and closed my eyes.

* * *

I woke up several hours later. I looked over at the alarm clock by the bed 2:30pm Christian would be home by 4:00pm. I still felt groggy but i needed food. I went down to the kitchen to see Mrs. Jones feed Charlotte in her high chair.

"Good morning Mrs. Grey" Mrs. Jones greeted me with her usual smile.

"Good morning" I grumbled back opening the fridge.

"How was your sleep, you still seem tired" She commented.

"It was ok, i guess" I said pulling a chocolate cake from the fridge and grabbing a fork.

"I thought that you were on a diet " She said noticing my poor food choice.

"I don't really care right now" I said with a rude tone.

Charlotte cooed at Mrs. Jones. I looked over at Mrs. Jones and Charlotte together. I could tell that Charlotte adored Mrs. Jones, she hardly noticed me. I felt jealously wash over me. I wanted her to look at me that way.

"Ma Ma" Charlotte cooed at Mrs. Jones

"DA DA DA" Mrs. Jones cooed back to her

Charlotte giggled as Mrs. Jones spoke to her as though she understood what Charlotte was saying. They both were having a blast without me.

"Why is she saying MA MA to you, i'm her mother" I said very irritated.

"She just started saying that a month ago Mrs. Grey. She doesn't see you much these days. I know that she loves you very much but you send most of your time by yourself or at work. She's not doing it to hurt you" Mrs. Jones explained with empathy.

"She should say that to me" I cried

"She will, but i think that you need to take some time and spend it with her" Mrs. Jones said "I think it might make you feel better too"

"I always feel like shit" I cried

"I'm here to make sure that the household runs smoothly only. I knew that one day you would feel better and take over your motherly duties. You just let me know when you feel comfortable with it and i will back off" Mrs. Jones said calmly.

"I do reply too much on you to do everything for me. Also i feel like everyone is walking on eggshells because they think that i'm gonna drown the baby as soon as she cried because i'm not feeling well right now. I'm not gonna do that" I cried practically yelling.

I left the cake on the table and ran out of the room, not wanting to yell and embarrass myself more than i already had. Mrs. Jones was so good to me. I wasn't a rude person or someone that flew off the handle but i had been doing it alot lately without realizing it. I always regretted it but for some reason i still found myself being an asshole. I went back up to my room to cry. I cried and cried till i felt like my face was inflamed. Why am i like this? There are plenty of women that have kids and are happy. I have a rich, comfortable life and still i'm acting like a teenager. I cried till i felt a hand on my back Christian looked down at me. I shot up from the bed sharply, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Are you ok?" Christian asked with concern

"Yes, i'm ok" I lied "Trying to hide my sadness"

"Mrs. Jones told me that you were not feeling well today" Christian said.

"Do you want to join us later for dinner or do you need some more time to yourself?" Christian asked.

"I will come down and eat" I answered.

Dinner was usually served at 6:00pm. I made my way downstairs to see Christian, Mrs. Jones and the kids stop and stare at me. I felt like a monster that everyone wanted to run away from. I could just go back up stairs and hide but i didn't want to further embarrass myself, it's only dinner anyway. Mrs. Jones served the meal as we all stared at each other in silence.

How was your day Ana" Christian said breaking the ice

"It was fine" I answered "How was your?"

"Busy" He answered with a half smile.

"Are you going to a class this evening with Kate" Christian asked.

"I don't remember" I said honestly "I'll call her after supper and ask"

Mrs. Jones sat down in-between the kids helping them with their meals. Christian gave me a 'take care of yourself and i will take care of the family' look. I quickly finished my meals and scurried upstairs, to give Kate a call.

"Do we have that Intro to pole class today or is it tomorrow?" I asked confused.

"It's today Ana" Kate answered with concern in her voice. Maybe i should come and get you"

"Sure" I said giving a generic answer "I'll be here"

I Heard a click at the other end of the phone. Kate arrived at the front door not more than 30 min later. I could hear her as she greeted everyone at the door then ran up the stairs to get me from my bed.

"Ana, we are going. Get your workout clothes on" She stated sternly.

"You are not taking no for an answer" I commented.

"I'm not, you have 15 min" Kate said leaving the room so that i could change.

i changed my clothes to some lulu leggings and a baggy tank top then met her at the door 10 min later. I was not looking forward to going but i felt a bit forced. I wanted to go back to bed. I hated myself. My kids didn't love me and i was a lazy, fat piece of garbage. Kate drove to the studio, we barely spoke in the car. We arrived early to the class. I assumed that it was not going to be too crazy, or more so i was hoping not to have to workout too hard. I had looked up some pole dancing online yesterday and it looked so far beyond what i was capable of. Not to mention i was barely feeling like getting out of bed. The video's showed women with perfect bodies in bikini like outfit's doing what looked to be aerial gymnastics. Kate assured me that there would be no over the top advanced moves in the intro class. She also said that she had signed up for a membership to the studio primarily for yoga but because she pays a monthly fee she's doing the pole dancing too. I was greeted by a young, slender blonde at the front. The same one as last time. I didn't want to be rude, just in case i had to come back.

"Welcome back" She said with spunk in her voice.

"Thank you. What class is that in there?" Kate asked pointing to the room that our class was scheduled to be in

"That's an advanced pole class" She answered

"Is it ok if we watch it?" she asked

"Absolutely!" She said "Just make sure that you are away from the poles so that you don't get kicked"

Kate and I walked over to the room , letting ourselves in. We shuffled into a corner where we would be out of the way. The teacher gave us a look that said that she noticed that we were there but it was OK, then continued to teach. I was in awe at what all these girls could do. I wondered how long they had been working at these moves. I was surprised to see that there were even a few girls that were heavier doing the advanced tricks, which i found to be even more impressive. I watched as the teacher spotted each student giving them pointers on how they could improve. Some student's looked to struggle more than others but everyone had an incredible attitude towards each other's progress. This atmosphere felt different. I felt as though i was in a different world as soon as i walked into the door. I wanted to be apart of this wonderful community. I hadn't even noticed that Kate had slipped in beside me on the floor.

"Amazing isn't it?" She asked excited.

"Yeah!" I answered keeping my eyes on the girls in the class.

"I can't wait to do that" She said pointing to a slender brunette spinning gracefully around the pole

"That's looks so cool" I agreed

"Let's go to our Intro to Pole class and if you really like it maybe you could sign up for a membership too" Kate offered.

"we will see" I said not making any promises " I do need the exercise"

Kate and got up as the previous class filed out and a new set of girls came in. She introduced herself as Whitney. Whitney had black curly hair and a slender frame. She stated that she had competed in the pole championships and had been dancing for over 6 years. She mentioned that she had started completely out of shape and pole dancing was how she got herself to the healthiest that she had ever been. Her testimony resonated with me. Could pole dancing do the same for me? I wasn't always exhausted and out of shape. I certainly didn't want tot continue to be that way. I had been in a haze since Charlotte's birth doing something for myself is what i need to get myself out of this depressive slump that i seemed to be stuck in. Could Pole dancing help me like it seemed to be helping all these other women? I wondered if any of these women had kids.


	7. Chapter 7

I joined Kate at the back of the class. I followed the teacher's movement's to a tee. I didn't find the moves terribly difficult. I had issues with my stamina. I felt exhausted after only 15 minutes. I pushed myself to finish the class. I found it interesting. Before i knew it the class was over. Whitney had amazing grace as she demonstrated all the moves, she gently corrected my posture. My weight was never an issue in this class. I enjoyed this class far more than the yoga class, i felt that each of the girls in the class were just like me  
I wasn't sure how Christian truly felt about me starting a pole dancing class. I wasn't sure if i was going to like enough to continue but I found the community to be so inviting. I had only gone to one class and already i felt like i had a whole new set of friends. The people in pole class made me feel like i could conquer the world. The encouragement was like nothing that i had ever seen or felt before. For the first time in a long time i feel as though my thoughts and feelings are not in control of my body. I fell as though i can overcome my darkness.

I knew that i needed encouragement to come to class. I was tired, self-conscious and out of shape. Kate was a great motivator, she was also looking to eat better and become more fit. I hadn't said anything but Kate started to tone up. Even with minimal diet changes and going to Yoga and now pole dancing was changing her body. Could that help me? Kate was pushy, but i needed that in my life. There were times when i felt ok, then there were times when i felt like a psychotic, hormonal bitch. I still had issues with spending time with Charlotte. I blamed her for my over weight, pudgy body. She didn't ask for this but neither did I. I thought about asking Christian for plastic surgery to fix it, but what if i got pregnant again? I would feel like a failure asking Christian for the easy way out. What if the surgery went wrong? I wasn't ready for the risk just yet.

"I want to sign up for the membership" I announced to Kate

"Really!" She gushed "You will not be sorry"

"I hope not" I joked with Kate "i'm doing this based on your recommendation"

"I wouldn't recommend something that i wouldn't do myself" she announced.

The girl at the front desk was helpful and pleasant as she walked me through the paperwork. She took my credit card info down as i requested to be on automatic payments. She helped Kate and I download the scheduling app so that we could both sign up for classes from our phone. It seemed so convenient and exciting. I felt like i finally making a positive change. I spent alot of time in bed or in front of the TV. Exercise is what i needed and the community was so supportive and understand. Pole dancing and Yoga could not be further from what i enjoyed doing. I could not believe i was doing this. There was a stigma around pole dancing, i didn't want anyone thinking that i was a "stripper". For now, no one had to know but Kate and Christian. If pole dancing wasn't for me or if it became a chore i could stop at any time, no questions asked. On the drive home I looked through the classes.

"There are alot of different classes available" I said leafing through my phone

"Name them off to me" Kate demanded keeping her eyes on the road.

"Pole 101, flexibility and strength, booty and body shaper, Yoga" I listed. "They also have conditioning and flow classes"

"What is conditioning?" Kate asked

"it says that it helps build strength for higher pole classes" I read

"Let's start small" Kate said.

"I agree. I don't have much strength" I whined.

"Well i think we should sign up for all of it. We have a membership after all, so all the classes are included in that" Kate reasoned "Your coming with me so sign both of us up for all those classes"

"Are you sure? I mean that's alot to commit too. That's 3 days a week" I said.

"Ana you are not going to feel better or get the body you want without some work. I'm committing to going to this. I'll be picking you up." Kate ordered.

"fair enough" I agreed.

"Put all the dates and times in your calendar" Kate demanded "We are doing this. Ana before you start making excuses. If you really hate it we can cancel the membership but you have to give this a shot. I saw the way you looked at those girls. You want to be apart of this"

Kate always had my best interests at heart. I usually didn't feel like doing anything. If i didn't work i think that i would just sleep all day. I wanted to try pole dancing but something about this whole scenario felt forced. I thought that agreeing to do a class 1-2 days a week was a good compromise. Did Kate know what she as getting into? Did these other girls spend 5 days a week here. I doubted it. If all else fails i could tell Kate i'm sick. I might become sick if i had to do more than a few hours of this a day. This class was intense. I wondered what all the other classes would be like. Would they be more geared for beginners or was it going to be more advanced. I was having my doubts but i knew that i could back out if things didn't go as planned.

* * *

Kate dropped me off at home after the class. She promised to pick me up for the next class. She made it known that she didn't trust me to go to the classes on my own. i waved to her as i walked up the front steps to my home.

CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN!

No sign of Christian or the kids. I knew that he was home, maybe he took them out or something. I walked into the kitchen to see Mrs. Jones cleaning the kitchen. I could see that she was finishing up for the day.

"He took the kids outside, close to the lake" She said pointing out the window towards the lake.

"Thanks!" I said running back out the door.

I couldn't wait to tell Christian about the membership. I'm sure that he would be as thrilled as i was. I ran out to the lake. Christian had Charlotte on his lap and Teddy was running around the yard. Christian turned to look at me and smile.

"You seem brighter. Maybe the meds are working" He commented.

"I hope so!" I answered sitting down beside him "I signed up for a fitness membership today"

"For pole dancing or Yoga?" He asked

"They offer both at this place. Kate is going with me, so ti's less nerve racking" I said

"Do you like it?" He asked

"Yeah I do" I replied.  
"MAMA" Charlotte said putting up her hands in my direction.

"She misses her mom" Christian said putting her on my lap.

"When did she learn to say Mama" I said.

"Within the last few weeks" He replied "I want you to feel better Ana. I know that depression can be difficult but your missing milestones here. At times it feels like your off in another world or that you just don't care. I know that's not like you. If this pole dancing helps i'm all for it"

"And the meds" I chimed in.

"Yes And the meds" he said.

I felt sickened with myself. Had i really missed Charlotte's first words. I really needed to get my shit together. I could turn this around. I owed it to my family and myself.


End file.
